Fackin Truth Blog

Twenty Things I Learned During my Puerto Rico Vacation

1. Suspend everything you learned about traffic law, defensive driving, and courteous traffic behavior, because...

2. Stop signs, yield signs, and those pretty painted lines are only suggestions. Loose suggestions. You will be Public Enemy No. 1 for observing any of those, and...

3. Your valiant efforts at displaying proper traffic etiquette may result in an SUV literally trying to push your Toyota Yaris (aka a shoe box) into a very crowded intersection.

4. Public sobriety is illegal. Very illegal. Not a single packaged alcohol comes in pints and shots. In fact, the alcohol is cheap enough to destroy weak-hearted American livers.

5. The heat is deceptive. You might think it's "summer hot" in Mayaguez, but you realize the difference after your ankles swell to 4x their normal size. Bring flip flops. And water. But not tap water...

6. That UFO isn't a UFO. It's a roach. And it flies.

7. Black folks do get sunburn. Skip the sunglasses if you don't like the "raccoon" look. 

8. Only stupid Americans swim on "do not swim" beaches. A 3-foot long stripped bass will use those stupid Americans as barriers while running from a 4-foot long shark. From this I learned...

9. Jesus is my brother. I can walk on water. RUN on water. I never exited a body of water so fast in my life. My heart pumped out of my chest and landed on the beach. It was good as new after I gave it a little rinse and parked my stupid a@@ with my fellow idiots at the resort pool

10. Lizards are actually cute, although not appropriate goods for a carry-on baggage.

11. Your Puerto Rican friends living in the U.S. will get you into some shyt. Meeting their family in PR means driving 5 hours to meet approximately 500 people. Thankfully, the hospitality, cooking skills, and fun-factor of those relatives induces selective amnesia. "Drive? What drive?"

12. Astronomers say we share the same sun. But the sun in Puerto Rico is different. It microwaves ish - cooking from the inside out. NASA should investigate this.

13. Spanish-speaking patrons behind you in line come in handy when you ask for Shrimp Salad and the woman grabs the Octopus Salad bowl.

14. When Spanish-speaking sweet-hearted older widows like you, they hand you bottles of expensive alcohol from their private bar. Insert your "PR liver" before drinking.

15. Vegas isn't the only "vegas." Some vacation pictures belong in the "private collection." That is... until blackmail becomes necessary. Don't mess with me. I have a camera and a plan.

16. Get gas for your car before you hit the mountains of the southern expressway. When you hit those mountains, you're shyt outta luck. It is very difficult to enjoy the scenery while watching the gas light blink. Neutral is your best friend during the ride down.

17. Don't trust National Geographic. Baboons open coconuts on rocks with amazing ease. People take at least 1/2 hour and come away with bruises.

18. Don't penny pinch if you venture to the Sheraton casino in Palmas del Mar. While you're dropping pennies, the lady behind you will hit for $13,000 at the dollar machine. SMH

19. If you rent a Toyota Yaris during your 8-day stay in Puerto Rico, you will forget how to operate your Honda Odyssey when you get home. You will turn on the windshield wipers to get the van in gear. You will question your memory of the route from the airport to your home. You will feel like a lost tourist on the local streets you used to know so well.

20. Upon your return home, you will rush to book your next vacation in Puerto Rico almost a year in advance - especially if it involves a milestone birthday celebration. I can't think of any other place I'd like to be.

Random Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

Sometimes my mind wanders, and I just let if walk off...

Moral relativism is an elaborate scheme to get away with rank ish. Some stuff will remain just plain. wrong... like molesting children, stabbing folks over a parking space, and forgetting to place my delicious golden crack fries in my McDonald's bag. That last one can make me lose. my. religion...

Just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.

I put $5 worth of gas in my car. Under the old price scheme, I could make it home. Under the new price scheme, that gas vaporized when I started the car.

Puerto Rico and crack cocaine have something in common: Don't try it the first time if you don't wanna get hooked.

Puppies are like babies. Sometimes you just wanna put 'em back and you fantasize about life before cleaning poop.

Babies are like puppies. You envy their life of eating and sleeping.

Teenagers are like aliens. Nuff said about that one.

If money is the root of all evil, why do you work? Get it right people, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.

Courtesy of an old friend, if your Facebook relationship status says "It's complicated," escape your world of denial and change it to "SINGLE." That person is probably already stalking somebody else's profile.

Share your random thoughts in the comments.

Picture courtesy of Pop Culture Madness.

Wordless Thursday: Swine Flu

Courtesy of this article at one of my favorites, Consumerist.com.

Because we don't even have enough dignity to keep Easter holy...

Because sometimes my mom sends funny stuff in email...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The Credit Crunch for Dummies Alcoholics

After a one-week vacation three timezones away, minimal sleep for two nights, and one jet-lagged ass-dragging to work, [drumroll]........... I'm back.

As I launched my entire body at my computer to get my fix for a nasty Facebook addiction, I came across an interesting summary of the current credit crunch. Don't look for any humor or cute remarks from me at the end. This is it. Copy and paste. My typing is done. I'm exhausted! Just enjoy the bit and keep it moving.

Oh yeah, I can't forget the copyright public service announcement.

PSA: This is a direct quote from a Facebook member named Thom Greathouse. He left this comment to a thread in the group named "CLOSED." I didn't ask any permission to post his words, so in the one-in-a-million chance he finds his way here and sees this, he better be happy with the half-assed credit I gave him.  Because PMS is a mutha-fuggah. And besides, it's ma' berfday.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Credit Crunch for Dummies, by Thom Greathouse

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger, thereby effectively granting her customers loans. Word gets around and as a result, increasing numbers of customers pour into Heidi's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's credit limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into 'Drinkbonds', 'Alkbonds' und 'Pukebonds'. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continue to climb, the securities become top-selling items. One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank ( subsequently, of course, fired due his negativity ) decides that eventually the time has come to call in the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay off their debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and files for bankruptcy. Drinkbond and Alkbond drop in value by 95%. ; Pukebond holds up a little better, bottoming out at 80% of its former value. The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment deadlines and having invested in the securities, are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier files for bankruptcy, and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor. The bank is bailed out by the Government after dramatic round-the-clock consultations with leaders of the principal political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by levying a tax on non-drinkers.

Got it now ?

Some mothers truly excel at multi-tasking

I recently boasted about my multi-tasking prowess as a natural outcome from years of training in single-motherhood. Imagine how quickly my puffed-chest deflated when I discovered this pro who clearly graduated at the top of her class:

An Ohio mother faces charges for breastfeeding her daughter while driving her other children to school.

"I'm following behind a lady in a van who is driving while breastfeeding her newborn baby and talking on the cell phone," said a 911 caller.

Officers then pulled over the mother and issued her a ticket for not having her child in a car seat.

Well, we can't all be Valedictorian.

The Name Game

I stole this idea from La Bella Noire since I'm at a loss for a new post today. There are too many things going on on politics for me to pick just one, so I'm on Blog Post Choice Overload. Here goes my Name Game fun:

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car):
Buttons Odyssey

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Egg Nog Strappy Heels
Something like Chocolate Timberland would have sounded soooooo much better here. 

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal):
Black Dog

4.Your soap opera name (your middle name, city where you were born):
Keita Atlantic

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Bonha

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Blue Water

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers):
Buck Russell
Hehe. I like that one.

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
Miracle Milk Chocolate
Dang. I bet there's a dancer jumping off a pole somewhere ready to grit on me for stealing her name.

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Previtti Philadelphia

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Christmas Sunflower (or Spring Rose)

11.Cartoon name (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Apple Sweat Suit or Strawberry Hoodie

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Air Sandwich Willow

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived):
Buttons Hamilton

What Kind of Man Can't Shake a Competitor's Hand?

Obama and McCain faced-off in their second debate last night. For the most part, the debate was a sleeper. But today's buzz centers around some key points that speak to the character and integrity of the candidates:

1. McCain never looked Obama in the eye or addressed him with any respect.

2. McCain never looked the Blacks in the Town Hall audience in the eye or addressed their questions with the same care and attention as the Whites.

3. And even if those views might, just might, be a matter of perception, how about... In a major blunder that blares like neon lights, McCain called Obama "That One" during the debate. I do believe Obama called McCain either "John" or "Senator McCain" the entire night.

4. Obama and the Mrs. stayed to talk to the Town Hall audience. McCain and the Mrs. ran from the building like the place was on fire.

5. And finally... the handshake. That d*mned handshake. The handshake that never happened. McCain tapped Obama on the back as he ran away, and refused to shake Obama's hand. [see video evidence Exhibit A below]

So even if you agree with McCain on the issues (which I don't), how do you reconcile his character and integrity when choosing him? I mean, I have even gotten into the push-polling and election day scare tactics. I haven't even gotten to the "kill Obama" sentiments screamed at the Palin rallies that Palin hasn't taken time to address. The Republican ticket is a Hot. Mess. I'm curious to hear from McCain/Palin supporters, because I just don't get it.

And The Award Goes To...

... ME!... Snitchez!

Nikki and Blu gave me a nod as Certified Honest Blogger. And for that, I name them Blog Friends Monsters of the Week for forcing me to reveal 10 things about myself that may lead to public ridicule, finger pointing, and snickering.

Now I know that an award with "Honest" in the title looks great on the mantle of a blog called "Fackin Truth." But dangit, I have so much more fun telling the facking truth about other folks' mess. In fact, if it wasn't for McCain and Palin, I just might have been bored beyond measure for the past month... or not wasting perfectly good blog space... but who knows for sure?

Take a look at the Certified Honest Blogger Rules before you get all nosy and read my list:

Certified Honest Blogger Rules:

# When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

# Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

# Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog.’

# Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

# List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself.

# And then, pass it on.

And now, 10 Honest Things About Hawa
That She May Be Sorry She Posted on the Dang INTERNET:

1. I didn’t lose my virginity until I went to college (University of Pittsburgh). My high school sweetheart, then a sophomore at Howard University, came to visit one weekend. I wasn’t impressed by the overall experience, but I eventually got over that in grand fashion.

2. Speaking of virginity, my mom forced me to go condom shopping before I left for college. I was an embarrassed virgin standing in the drug store wishing I could shrink into the shelf of Bengay. She asked for a salesperson in the condom section loud enough for me to actually melt into the shelf of Bengay.

3. Speaking of condoms, later in life I wish my mother had sent me to college with an expectation of remaining a virgin. Her opinion meant a lot to me, and I wanted to maintain. But once the opportunity arose, I looked at that box of condoms, shrugged my shoulders at the implied expectation and started down a road that too many folks drive too soon.

4. Speaking of driving down fertility road, I had my first son when I was 21.

5. Speaking of kids at 21, I had to leave college but transferred and finished at the age 25.

6. Speaking of graduating college, I started my career a month later. I’ve been in this career for just over 12 years.

7. Speaking of careers, I am the most senior employee at my job. My 10-year anniversary was August 10, 2008.

8. Speaking of anniversaries, my ex-husband left me just 5 days before our 4th wedding anniversary. That traumatic experience was unfortunately 3 years and 8 months too late. hehe

9. Speaking of trauma, I once received 2nd degree burns to my right wrist ala boiling soup. After removing the huge patch of blistered skin, the doctors feared I would heal with a scar or with a permanently bent wrist. God is good. There’s no evidence of that burn left.

10. Speaking of burning, my fiance and I have merciless fart battles. I'm talking send the kids to grandma 'cause it's getting treacherous in here. I became the champion on one particular evening after a well-timed meal of perfect composition. The green cloud hovered like a smoke bomb. He fanned and fanned but just couldn't escape. Cough. Dry heaves. Running to the porcelain throne. "Who's the champion? I asked. Gurgle...YOU ARE." Poor thing. "My job is done here. You betta recognize."

BONUS ITEM:

11. Speaking of fiancé, he’s the finest example that love can really have happy endings.

And now I nominate:

1. the field negro
2. Sagacious Hillbilly
3. Dirty Red
4. Brotha Buck
5. Porscha Carey
6. Ms. Confessions
7. Deacon Blue

Get it poppin!