Git Yo' Head Right (The Self Assessment Series)PART 1A - "WHO ARE YOU?"

How do I sucker myself into public displays of Too Much Information? This is Part 1A of a multi-part series called "Git Yo' Head Right - The Self Assessment Series." For the list of questions, take a peek at the daggone post that started it all.

Question: Who Am I?

I can only answer that question for today, because I change. And if you drop the bullshit display image of how you think you're supposed to look, the one you cling to like a life raft in the perfect storm, you'll discover just how much you change - or need to.

Consider this quote, which I snatched from this blog:

"What I Wrote Yesterday, I May Not Believe Tomorrow, Because of What I Learned Today."

That truth applies to the essence of "Me," because 'who I was yesterday, I may not be tomorrow, because of what I learn today.'

Just 10 short years ago, I was a wife raising one son and two stepdaughters. I was embedded in the church with the new-car-smell of a hopeful Christian. I loved my in-laws and cherished the title of "wife" like a badge of honor. I had dreams and goals that actually seemed attainable. While something still didn't "feel" right, I thought I was doing the damned thing.

Just 5 short years ago, I was covered in the rotten smell of a newly divorced woman, raising two sons, questioning the foundation of life, and wondering if that life would even go on. I missed the idea of a husband without missing the man. My goals shrank from 5-year plans to one-day survival strategies. 

While those summaries highlight the circumstantial, consider how my mind, my heart, my hopes, and my fears changed during those times. I lived and learned.

Fast forward to today. Who the hell am I today? I don't have a neatly flowing monologue of sickly-sweet blurbs that make me sound like a package of moral fortitude. I won't pepper whack B.S. with a few words about my acceptable flaws to make my assessment sound like I'm trying to be brutally honest about my shortcomings. Because if you had a spiritual shovel to dig with, most folks who admit to flaws barely chip the tip of their humongous icebergs.

I'm humanly flawed in some of the best and worst ways. I can contradict myself before I realize it. And I'm more honest with myself now than I've ever been about how I really feel about certain things. So here's my poorly organized, possibly contradicting, probably slightly sanitized, rambling list of WHO I AM:

I hate lists that start with roles + titles, because the titles ignore the underlying mess. For instance, "I am a single mother of three beautiful children" doesn't say much. How about, "I damn-near minored in prostitution while in college and spread-eagled my way to three children out of wedlock." Doesn't that sound better? Or how about, "I made the decision to marry the wrong man who eventually left me to raise his three children alone." On principle alone, for the sake of this Self Assessment, I won't drop any roles or titles on my list - unless I include how I received the honor.

I consider myself a woman of faith who believes in God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, but I dislike the Christian church. I'm not talking about the generic 'body of believers,' but the ridiculous way religious culture plays out inside church walls.

I haven't been to church in about two years. I find that folks outside the church often display more character, kindness, and love than the finger-pointers in church. I asked more questions about traditional beliefs in the past two years than in my entire life. The results so far: The Bible is a must read. Stop relying on flawed and biased folks to give you their translation to live by. The world would be a better place if everybody could start by absorbing the book of Proverbs.

I'd like to interrupt all the nosy folks, who stopped to read about me, for this public service message: This list is gonna get long, and I don't give a crap. If I'm gonna painfully execute this exercise, you're gonna painfully sit through it.

I have grown terribly lazy. My fiance called me on this and I almost ate him for lunch... With hot sauce. I was livid, but he was right. I placed my personal goals on ice - from finances to health. I survived the trial, but I never went to the freezer to retrieve my life. So there it sits. A block of frozen dreams. A chunk of chores in suspended animation. All next to the ice cream and chicken legs.

My one-day-at-a-time approach saved me from insanity. But that war is over. Continuing on the day-to-day strategy translated into laziness. And getting out is much harder than I thought. The cumulative effect of leaving important and long-term things undone is tremendous.

I still dislike interracial couples. I had to include this because I see this as a moral failure. I'm not as emotionally raw about the topic as I used to be, but somehow (especially) seeing a [wealthy] Black male with a woman of another color produces a blink in a small corner of my eff-u radar.

I haven't figured this one out. I don't have a single bone of ire for any race. In fact, the diversity of my friendships across racial, social, and other lines, is a major source of life enjoyment.

I love to write, design websites, and produce cool print pieces. If I could make a living doing those three things, I would. Scratch that. That's bullshit. Actually, if I didn't suffer from the crippling synergistic effects of fear and laziness, I would figure out how to make a living at those things while working out of my home. That's better. I almost lied to y'all.

My dream education is an MBA, but I'm not sure if that is for "form" or "function." I would love to achieve Master of Business Administration because the degree fits with my career preferences. But I read/study a lot on my own. Broader knowledge is available everywhere. I want the degree so I can appear qualified to others. I want the degree to earn another "brag" from my mom. But that degree won't add a speck to my talent.

Sometimes I think I deferred the degree as a snub. I know degreed folk who couldn't think their way out of a paper bag. At times, I did the thinking for them. But I'm rethinking that quiet (and useless) rebellion, because the paper and talent seem like a much more winning combination.

I haven't graduated from caring what others think of me. No matter how well somebody knows me, I feel hurt if they have an unfavorable opinion of me. Recently, a gentleman on the internet called me a name over a disagreement (of interpretation) in a Google group to which we're both members. I flashed warm. I got a small lump in my throat. My eyes stung. I got angry. While things ended in a calm and apologetic email exchange, I couldn't for the life of me explain why I felt hurt by a perfect stranger.

I was taught to measure myself, at least in part, against the opinions of others. As a child, I hated that unspoken rule, but unfortunately it stuck. My mind understands that it's impossible to please everybody, but my heart is overly disappointed when the time comes.

One of my favorite bloggers, Kit, left a comment for me about this phenomenon. She points out how striving to "get along" and "get paid" (at work) leave us constantly modifying ourselves and tweaking our behavior to make it through the day. And this leaves us wondering if people really know us, based on the image we're often forced to present.

At what point do you recognize the "raw and original you" from the "necessary fabrication?"

Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty, traces the root of this behavior to the way children survive in a family. For the most part, children who are honest about what they want to say and do are punished. You're taught that it's painful to be yourself, and we grow into adults aka "overgrown adolescents" playing the same game. While I've shed a few skins, I'm wrapped up in this same dilemma as most.

I'm off course and almost off-topic which represents another truth about me: I get distracted when I get bored. Another way to say it: I'm at my best when I'm juggling several priorities and I have plenty to do. I am most productive when I'm stretched. If I only have one thing going, I'll nurse it like a rum and coke at the club after the drinking money runs out.

I'm exhausted. This kind of free therapy is like a full-contact sport. The name of this post will change to "Part 1A" so I can come back another day and finish with 1B. Where's the Water Boy?

Comments

[Dirty Red]

You must know me without knowing that you know me. This is exactly how I feel. I ask myself almost every other day 'who the hell am I'?
Especially when I try to do something I used to do and find out that I do not like doing it anymore. This post is so true.

[Kit (Keep It Trill)]

My God you write well. I had to save this for today when I could savor it.

"I never went to the freezer to retrieve my life. So there it sits. A block of frozen dreams. A chunk of chores in suspended animation. All next to the ice cream and chicken legs."

That describes soooo many folks, especially the sistas who watched their lifelong dream of love and family collapse, and poof!, when that was gone, they grieved for their other dreams they'd put on hold and wondered if the effort of un-thawing them was/is worth the effort.

Whew! Your honesty was breath-taking and beautiful in it's universality of Who Am I? The truth has a heart, and yours spoke.

*passes you that spring water you need*

[Hawa]

@Dirty Red: I hear you loud and clear! I hope this blog (and my anonymous "couples" blog) deal with issues that the average person is afraid to discuss.

@Kit: Thank you, Kit. I savor your blog posts too! The freezer is the only analogy I had for what happens to dreams when deep disappointment sets it. I hope this series has an impact on folks who haven't address certain issues in their own lives. Much love to you. :-)

[Debo Blue]

Girl you have AMAZED me with your writing and your honesty.

Your experiences, like most of the blogs I read, are so far removed from mine but I still learn so much from you that I should start paying you for consult fees LMFBO!

Happy New Year!

[Deacon Blue]

Well, lots of people make resolutions this time of year, Hawa. You've taken a harder road of figuring out who you are, who you want to be and who maybe you should be.

Godspeed!

[Hawa]

@Debo Blue: Debo, I am just so happy that people really connect with this exercise. I considered keeping this a private thing, but I would miss the opportunity to help/mentor somebody else through the difficult process. I'm glad you stopped by!

@Deacon Blue: Thank you so much. The typical Resolution dies by February. This year, I wanted something that would last a little longer. LOL

[chele]

I admire anyone that can go this in depth ... it's too much introspection for me to attempt.

I still dislike interracial couples Really? What about black women with men of another race?

[blujewel]

Because I know you on a personal level, there will be a level of censorship here, which of course you know is something I tend NOT to do, but for the respect of our friendship I must. Disclaimer aside, I shall proceed.

What you've done in this post is completely and utterly applaudable. How many people are this open and honest about much of anything until or unless they're confronted. What your fiance did was force to you admit that which you already knew and know about yourself. What he did was stir the pot to make you vocal enough about it to take a stand.

It's a necessity action, though one not often liked that we must find ourselves, define ourselves by our OWN standards, and say eff-u who think I'm this or that. I know and have lived that struggle until that very day, I did loudly and proudly say, "EFF YOU AND THE B.S THAT YOU'RE COMING WITH". I know from personal experience that life is a one act show and there is no damn encore. Yea, there's a crap load of "Self-help" books that promise you a golden tomorrow, but how friggin good are they when you're still self-loathing and accepting the buffet of crap that's served up daily for nutrition. Yes, the books can be helpful, but until you take the agonizing task of getting to the real root of the person you are and how you came to be, then those books are just words that temporarily satisfy.

What Brad Blanton said is absolutely and positively true. It took a long walk on some dark roads for me to come to this realization and I'll be damned if I'm ever going back there.

Hawa, your post invoked some things that we all needed to hear, but most of all I hope it's invoked enough agitation in you to move to the next step. No, it's not about getting or doing right for your sons, your fiance, your boss, or whomever. It's about YOU! Find that woman and set forth into the directions in life you need to go. While headed on your journey, you might find that some of the things you once knew about about yourself no longer exist or are required and you'll enter into the woman you're yet to become.

We'll continue this face to face!

Love to live; live to love!

[Hawa]

@chele: Good question, because that scenario doesn't strike the same chord with me.

Thankfully, I recognize my flaw with interracial couples (especially Black men with White women) as a completely useless mental process. In fact, it loses more energy every time I talk about it, because I realize how silly it is.

It could have started when I asked my parents as a young teen, "How would you feel if I dated a White guy?" Mom did her best to give me the "love knows no color, but a Black man is probably better" speech. Not too bad. But dad, who I love like crazy, was like HMPH... and then came something about not bringing a White boy home.

It could have gained legs when I really liked a White boy, who asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me days to say yes. He was ecstatic. I really liked him and he clearly liked me. Stuck on stupid, I called him the next day and said I just couldn't do it.

It could have continued as the media continually reported on Black men gaining wealth and suddenly declaring that Black women no longer belong in their dating pool. That's not about love. On the extreme side, it communicates value.

I subscribe to the school that the only theory of race is the "human race." Yet somehow I haven't completely escaped the useless notion of "mixing" when it comes to dating. Silly. I get the gas face for that. LOL!

I have White male friends, and I've gotten more than a few gas faces from Black men when spotted in public. I wasn't even dating these dudes. It just happened today at lunch!! From that position, I get to feel how silly it is - as a recipient. Thankfully, the depth and breadth of my bias doesn't translate into mistreating anybody.

This self assessment exercise - and holding myself accountable with honest public answers - is one of the best "clarity" exercises I've ever experienced. And I think I made it through the hardest question on the list.

@Blu: Girl, you know only you can get away with saying certain things. Let it rip. LMAO Love you much.