Git Yo' Head Right (The Self Assessment Series)PART 1B - "WHO ARE YOU?"

How do I sucker myself into public displays of Too Much Information? This is Part 1B of a multi-part series called "Git Yo' Head Right - The Self Assessment Series." For the list of questions, take a peek at the daggone post that started it all.

Question: Who Am I? (Part 2)

Late to the party? Here's Part 1 of "Who Am I?"

I'm a mother with two children - both of whom arrived out-of-wedlock. I came home from college pregnant with the first, and I married the father of the second. I ended that string as a divorcee raising two sons. I wish the best lessons in poor judgment didn't come wrapped in the bitter scent of crappy experiences. Anywho...

I defer dreams when disappointments rob my heart of hope. This is a bad habit. Hope shouldn't be so fragile. Even worse, I'm great with the deferral, but terrible with the retrieval.

I value my personal position of "love and kindness" towards strangers. I do believe that "I am my brothers' keeper." When I mistreat a stranger, I believe the effects flow to others. Likewise, when I'm kind to a stranger, I believe the positive effects flow to others, like a pebble dropped into a pond.I hear a lot of lip service about love towards strangers. But I look around and wonder where the rubber hits the road.

I love with great passion. Likewise, I get angry, hurt, happy, etc. with great passion. If I trust you and you betray me, forgiveness comes completely, but with great effort on my part. I don't believe "forgiveness" and "restoration" are siblings. Just distant cousins. Forgiving you doesn't mean you resume a position of authority or trust in my life.

I can be terribly impatient. Not all the time. But at key times. And I'm most likely to be impatient at home. Friends, associates, other family, and constituents recognize me as having unwavering patience. That's because, wrong or not, I'm more likely to display impatience on the homefront. Why? Because I'm serious about home being a refuge and a sanctuary from the world. Y'all ain't gonna worry me to death after everybody out there just stepped on the last nerve I have left. And just like most things balance in the end, home is also the place I have the most fun, play more games, laugh like a child, and express love without abandon.

I love hip-hop music. My "Chores CD" contains hard-hitting hip-hop songs. While I love a variety of music, hip-hop wins the day to keep me moving on mundane chores. If I scrubbed a floor to classical music, I might get too relaxed and fall asleep on the tile.

I still haven't resolved my "mommy issues." The average onlooker would never suspect I even have mommy issues. We get along fine. She's a great lady and I love her. But I avoid the discussions that I really want to have with her. I do this to keep peace, but I want to be so much more candid. I don't feel she was open with me about issues that really matter, and I could learn so much more from her if she was. She directed my life with a firm hand based on the lessons she learned, but she didn't offer the benefit of sharing her personal experience. I longed for those conversations. My fiance lost his mother in 1999 and encourages me to stop letting time pass with things unsaid.

My father grounded my life in ways he doesn't realize. I found my mother to be too strict, judgmental, and controlling (yet I still give her credit for operating on what she believes to be the right reasons). My father was the opposite, and I am grateful for the balance. Together, they taught me the importance of a two-parent home.

A reader at What About Our Daughters once commented that "We love our sons, and raise our daughters… WITH CONTEMPT” While I avoid generalizations, I can relate to that statement on some levels.

Sometime after having my first son, my mother warned me not to tell anybody that I was her daughter because she was embarrassed by my status (as a 21-year old unwed mother). She delivered this punch at the dinner table - without provocation and without warning. My father stood up for me that day. I was too immobilized to respond - literally. I was frozen in rejection. The blind-side sucker-punch felt tangible. And it came from somebody I thought loved and accepted me. I always figured she should simply know how wrong it was. I guess she was having a bad-hair-day. She never apologized. I never expressed. And I never forgot.

Once, my mother "complained" that I looked like the light-skinned busty women that my father ran around with. Another time, she walked away from a grocery aisle when I had to use my food stamps as a single mom trying to finish college. The look I received from her was far worse than any judgmental glaces I received from strangers.

At one time, these "mommy" experiences were painfully crippling for me. Over the years I rolled the remnants into dark corners and can't really say where one issue stops and another begins. Sometimes I'm not sure: "Am I having a bad hair day or did I just get sideswiped by a mommy issue?"

I miss my old church. I miss it terribly. I keep in touch with the Pastor and Co-Pastor (his wife). They're forever members of my extended family. But I still can't visualize myself at another church. Since then, I received invitations to visit other churches. While I plan to accept those invitations soon, I don't see myself finding another church home in the near future.

Sometimes I think I either want more than I deserve, more than I earned, or more than I can handle. I recently asked my 16-year old son about Christmas gifts. "What do want for Christmas? Do you believe you deserve it?" He went all righteous on me (hehe) and replied, "Nobody deserves anything more, really. We just hope for what we want because we're all flawed and don't always do the right thing." I gave him infinite props for that answer. Because he meant it. And he's right. He spoke with a maturity that I may need to borrow on a bad day. And he got everything he wanted for Christmas. As far as I'm concerned, he deserved it for that answer alone.

I fight with my fiance like Water in Oil Town. Unfortunately (or fortunately), he's just as passionate as I am. We know how to ride the extremes back to safety and serenity. We love each other like crazy. This will either result in a powerfully unbreakable life-long union, or an Apocalyptic nuclear demise. Personally, when we sit and laugh about this, we both put all our money on "unbreakable."

I wake everyday concerned about the effect (positive or negative) I'll have on the world. One kind gesture. One evil thought. Do you believe they can change the course of the world? I do. And I consider the possibilities everyday.

I remember one day in a Denny's restaurant. The waitress looked stressed. Distraught. Unloved. I found something beautiful about her, and complimented it. It surprised her. She appreciated it. She needed it. Her demeanor changed. Her day changed. A light went on in her eyes. Did I change the world with that compliment? Possibly. But even if I didn't, I changed her world that day.

I bite my nails like they're going out of style. That's the tangible stress outlet I adopted at the ripe old age of three years old. I stop every few years - with lots of effort. I plan to stop forever, but who knows when that will come. I need a replacement (besides food or some other unhealthy vice) before then. I could do a Kojak and invest in lollipops.

I used to fear drowning. I would even have nightmares about it. Now, my biggest fear is not discovering the purpose of my life and missing my potential. The short version: I don't want to waste my life. I certainly don't subscribe to the idea that my success will be measured in dollars. Do I measure it by how well my sons turn out? Do I measure it by how much I enjoyed each day? I don't know, but I don't want to get to the end and regret that I "never quite got it right" - whatever "it" is.

So that's it. I consider this question sufficiently answered. I'm a recovered wild child with two sons, an ex-husband, mommy issues, and periodic bouts with disappearing patience. I'm concerned about my impact on the world although fear and laziness recently immobilized me into having little effect on the world - especially my world - at all. My biggest fear is to die before learning and living my purpose although I take great pain (and pleasure) in striving to be a good person (whatever that is). You won't find me in a church, but you'll find my heart in the Bible. And oh yeah, blog posts like this reveal my sick sick obsession with providing TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Love y'all.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the series, where I'm forced to answer the next question: "Do You Like Who You Are?"

I hope the answers get shorter. I talk too damned much.

Comments

[Self Assessment]

Good post! thanks!

[chele]

Great post. I can completely relate to the "mommy issues". It's much easier for me to deal with since we don't live in the same state anymore.

[blujewel]

*huggies* it's a good thing I'll be back on Monday, cause it sounds like we need to have some office therapy. *giggle, you know how we do*

anyhoo, i'm so impressed by your brutal honesty and your ability to be so forthright with yourself and your circumstances. I know "mummy issues" well. I'm happy that I've moved past them and hope very soon, you'll be able to do the same. you deserve so much more than what you've allowed yourself to accept because she's your mother.

i've heard that the fear of drowning, stems from an emotional trauma, so maybe something happened to you and your correlation into the fear of drowning to your fear of living an unfulfilled life is very much a correlation. Think about it for a spell.

loving with a passion is something i can relate to because when i love, i love hard and play for keeps. And at this stage in my life scares me shitless because i want to be in a completely monogamous relationship and love with complete abandon, but again, that ounce of fear carries a lot of weight.

another refreshing post Hawa.

love to live; live to love!

[LadyLee]

Part I and II... Hawa, you definitely dug deep.

Aren't these questions fascinating? I mean, the first one alone, as you can see took pages and pages... I'm still working on mine, but in my personal journals.

It reminds me of something my pastor said... We know everything there is to know about Brad and Angelina and Britney, but when it comes to our own lives, we don't sit down and assess and look at ourselves and get to know who we are.

These questions remind me of what's REALLY important. Us and the state of our lives and where we are headed.

Loved your honesty here.

[Dirty Red]

Good Post. We all have issues with our selves, but it is nice to see someone that has the balls to come out and say this is who I am. I can't wait to read your next installment in this series.

[rawdawg]

just wanted to say have a blessed 2009 and dont bite your nails lol

[Mr Slish]

Sounds like you and I could have the same mother...lol...Thank U for spot lighting my blog this week....Now I have to go write something entertaining..lol

[Hawa]

@Chele: I often dream of what it would be like to live far away - and that thought stream usually ends with me feeling guilty.

@Blu: Interesting about the fear of drowning. It was really bad for a while, and I don't doubt what you've identified as the possible source. The fiance says the same and one day I'll remember. I'm so glad I have you here in Jersey with me!

@LadyLee: This is one of those projects you begin, look back, and say... "Oh, sh*t. What have I started?" LOL I noticed my post frequency slowed, because I write a little and then leave the draft. As others suspected, it's a serious JOB trying to answer these questions in an honest and useful way.

@DirtyRed: I'm always glad to see you pop in. And thanks for the "balls" comment. I always joke that I have huge balls, and you're now my official verification. LOL

@RawDawg: Hey! I heard about the store near the holidays, and my prayers were with you. Somehow, I believe you'll be more than okay. You're a blessed man.

@Slish: Everything you write is entertaining. And with the new baby, you get a pass. hehe I am so happy for you!