Where in All of God's Green Creation Have I Been?

Warning: This post contains a long whine from a woman generally considered as "having it relatively together" or at least "aimed darned well down the road." If you can't stomach the gruesome scene, just keep it moving.

Besides missing-in-action at this blog, where in the h*ll have I been? I would love to answer that question for you, but I'm floating in a stagnant sea of "I DON'T KNOW."

I am less concerned about where I am than the concern I have about why I don't really know. If you ask my mom, she would blame the fiance's mere presence. If you ask any Pastor, they'd complain that I need to return to church. If you ask Richard Simmons, he'd say I need a good dose of aerobic exercise. And if you ask Martha Steward, she'd say my house is too messy right now for any human to enter and formulate a lucid sentence.

I am aware of my outward circumstances.

My cluttered desk is crummy.
Got a little extra pad on my tummy.
The money is funny.
And my nose is runny.

I could rhyme a list from now until Christmas, but it wouldn't explain a thing. Why? Not a dang thing on that list is the problem. (And if you comment on my weak azz rhyme, you'll get coal in your stocking. But I digress...) Many agree that outward circumstances simply reflect an inward condition. And if that's true, I don't like what's flowing from within.

So where am I really?

Some days I'm flat out Frustrated.

Which crack-smoking leader of the road crew thought it was a fabulous idea to shut down the westbound lane of a two-lane highway during rush hour for a paving job that could be done in a snap AT A BETTER TIME OF DAY?

Some days I'm Angry.

"The last 200 times I had to have this conversation with you, I kept my cool. I wonder if I can go ahead and HEAT IT UP this time????"

Some days I'm Confused.

If 2 + 2 = 4 and 5 + 5 = 10, why doesn't MyCheck-MyExpenses=Savings??

Some days I'm Insecure.

If that dang shirt doesn't stop clinging to my stomach like that, I'm gonna have a pretty new set of cleaning rags by tomorrow. Where's my scissors?

But too many days

I'm just Hopelessly Resigned...

...and that's the dangerous life-draining culprit that I discovered beneath my circumstance. What can be more dangerous than accepting the idea that life will always be less - far less - than you ever hoped for, and your resistance is futile.

Hopeless resignation doesn't just temporarily steal attention from dreams, visions, and goals. Anger can do that. Frustration can do that. But hopeless resignation eats away at the place in the heart which hopes and believes that a little more effort can/will eventually produce a satisfying result.

On one particularly low day, PMS introduced herself to Hopeless Resignation. I stared at the wall while they had a party and the conversation (more like a monologue spoken in unison) went something like this:

What the hell is the meaning of life anyway? We get up earlier than we want, roll out of bed like zombies, rush to a job we can't stand, crunch for time after work with the family we really value, spend the check on bills instead of something fun, and wake to the same sick cycle the next day. Insanity means repeating these crap days over and over while hoping for a different result. Madness is triggering a freak accident while trying to find an exit off this ride to change something for a better result.

So the choices aren't looking good, huh? Either stay on the ride of insanity, or look for an exit from the high-speed-hot-mess and lose a limb trying to jump off?

As if it wasn't enough that voices were talking to each other in my head, they started asking me questions like I'd be brave enough to answer them (out loud, anyway).

And what about all the "higher meaning" and "spiritual" aspects of life? Howz that Christian faith workin' for ya? Isn't the mountaintop beautiful? Would you even know what the mountaintop looked like since you can't see it from the lowness of the valley?

I look around and see so many things that require my attention. Some require my daily influence and others represent the cumulative effect of leaving too much stuff undone. Where do you start when the To-Do List has one big red word written in the middle:

EVERYTHING

I expend all of my energy to barely keep up. At least that's how it feels. Getting ahead seems totally out of reach. While my heart is thankful enough to manage a cheerful smile, sincere laughs, and priceless joys, the sinking feeling is always just below the surface - like I'm missing a major boat that won't sail my way again.

I keep watching the mail for the memo stating, "This is only a mid-life crisis that will be over next week. In 7 days, click your heels together three times and watch that sinking feeling wash away. And oh yeah. That messy desk may just clean itself, too" Since my memo didn't get here, I have to fight this one from the pit.

I made a deal with myself to go All-Out for an entire year. I mean burn rubber and see how many positive changes I can make in a year. I got through one week (or maybe that was one day) before the sinking feelings returned. With so much to live for, to love for, and to work for, I wonder why lately I'm about as useful as a sack of broken teacups.

I still don't know why I'm content to whine in a public blog. In some ways, whether a pat on the back or a slap in the face, the comments are like free therapy. And who can afford therapy in this economy?

Note: Happy posts and possibly a major success story about "turnaroud" to come after these commercial messages...

Comments

[GC]

I'm about to book a day at the spa
wanna come?

[Hawa]

@GC: OMG. A day at the spa sounds like a bit of heaven right now. I've purchased spa passes and massages for others, but never treated myself. I wonder if that's part of my problem. LOL Enjoy your spa day, and think of me. :-)

[BluJewel]

Well, alrighty then. Wait, lemme pause to issue you a gargantuan e-hug. {{{{{{Hawa}}}}}}

You've got a lot of life going on sis. A vacation is something you're in dire need of, but seeing as that's not gonna happen any time soon, might I suggest you find a really nice calendar with some great locations on it and escape for at least 15 minutes each day.

I can't compete GC's offer for the spa, but I can offer a lunch where we can indulge ourselves for a little while. Sound good?

Love!

[Dirty Red]

Good Post. You hit on everything that I feel. You are not alone. Believe that. Maybe both of us need some time at the Spa. Or maybe I would feel better laying on the beach in St. Thomas with nothing to do but watch all the G string Bikinis and tig ole biddies pass me by.

[Hawa]

@BluJewel: "A lot of life going on." I love the way that rolls off the tongue, because that's exactly how it feels. Thanks for the hug and for the JAMAICAN SPICY BEEF PATTIES! ;-)

@Dirty Red: I appreciate your comment, because I believe it's human nature to feel alone when frustrated. I figure these "low places" teach humility, integrity, and determination.