Consider the three faces of flatulence...
One...Pure funny. Some of the best slapstick comedy involves bodily functions with flatulence topping the list. Heck, Howard Stern graced us with Fartman back in the 1980's.
Two... Fear and embarrassment. Who hasn't developed a healthy fear of accidental public flatulence? In addition to the obvious embarrassment associated with letting it rip in public, we can't forget that your secret cravings for bean stuffed burritos with a side of boiled eggs might also be revealed.
Three... Dangerous to you and those around you. Wait... besides blushing, burnt nose hairs, and snickers from co-workers, what real danger does your flatulence pose to you and those around you? Can you injure an ex-lover with it? Can you hold-up a bank with it? I guess not... so scratch "dangerous" from the list... Well...
Apparently, sissy-fied police take assault-flatulence (and the potential bodily injury) very seriously. Just ask Jose Cruz, named in a criminal complaint for allegedly farting and fanning the heavily scented rewards towards a police officer. The laugh-out-loud visual I get from this case reminds me of something that might happen during a football game on a typical Sunday at my house.
Seriously. I pull a gun on a cop... criminal charge. I smack a cop... criminal assault charge. I fart in the general direction of a cop and appear to wave the stink in his direction... ummmm... criminal charge???
Urban legend suggests that aggressive control freaks are attracted to careers in law enforcement. When I saw the tape of a woman getting dragged from a bus and slammed to the concrete for flipping the cops a bird through the bus window, I really wondered about the truth in that personality profile.
Let's brainstorm the possibilities, without legal precedent, of how Jose's alleged fart-fanning led to criminal charges:
1. Cops don't like the smell of flatulence mixed with the irresistible scent of donuts - and consider such "aggression" a criminal act,
2. The officer is allergic to beans, and Jose's bean-tinged fart was a purposeful effort to sicken the startled cop.
3. Jose clearly appeared to be reaching for a concealed weapon while fanning the fruit of his flatulent labor.
4. The officer was lighting a cigarette at the same, and Jose's fart was intent to injure the officer with an incendiary device.
5. False alarm. The officer and his constituents haven't had any good cases and needed to practice their "criminal charges paperwork process" by charging Jose's buttocks with criminal assault.
6. Or how about this: The closer we inch towards a police state, the faster cops descend into infantile nitpicking and unnecessary harassment/brutality of the population. I'm just sayin'...
Now for the Happy Ending to Punctuate a Ridiculous Story: The charges were dropped after Jose denied the fart-fanning accusation and basically told those mofos that the officer should not have denied his request to use the bathroom.
If you listen closely, a tax-payer dollar is screaming for mercy in West Virginia.
Just glad the dude didn't get beaten for it or tasered to death. Because that would have taken all of the humor out of a fart-...I mean, FLAT-out funny ass story.
Posted by: Deacon Blue | October 01, 2008 at 10:21 PM
u should have been a comedy writer
Posted by: All Mi T | October 02, 2008 at 10:04 AM
@Deacon Blue: So true! Could you imagine a case of extreme police brutality based on a fart? That would take all the fun out of everybody learning that Jose farts in public. hehe
@All Mi T: Believe it or not, I considered it. I've been approached by readers for years about it. I thank you for the compliment. I'm just never sure how to process or even jumpstart such a career change. :-)
Posted by: Hawa | October 02, 2008 at 10:34 AM
lmao@this entry. see, this is why you're quickly becoming one of my favs. i'm down with the flatulence fa sho. i do it in my sleep!
btw, you've been tagged for an honest blogger award by me! you got some writing to do!
Posted by: nikki indigo | October 02, 2008 at 12:51 PM
oh did the cop have his poor widdle feelings hurt?
Posted by: GC | October 06, 2008 at 01:02 PM
This is hilarious. I love all things farts, tell some more.
I like to fart at my customers. I always wonder if I am going to get a complaint letter, and the look on my bosses face when he tells me.
Posted by: Kathy | October 06, 2008 at 01:02 PM
@Nikki: Yay! I finished my "homework" today. I hope you're able to stop by and read. Just for you (and perhaps Kathy below), my 10-list contains a story of flatulence.
@GC: That comment was perfect. Imagine a child with a plastic badge and a cap gun... only it's a real badge and a real gun... and poor widdle Johnny still get's his feelings hurt like a 5-year old. Instead of throwing toys, he gets to throw his weight around. Scary.
@Kathy: Yikes. I guess getting a complaint letter is contingent on how many beans you ate for lunch before assaulting the customers. hehe
Posted by: Hawa | October 07, 2008 at 12:30 PM