I am smack-dab in the middle... I mean dead center... like friggin ground zero... of some personal frustrations.
And I don't find solace in the typical canned answers from well-wishers. You know... the:
"But you're so blessed. You have two lovely boys. You have parents who adore you. Your fiance is simply mad about you. You have a good job. A car to drive.... DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A JOB TO GO TO????"
I am deeply grateful for each of those things. Seriously. Sometimes... out of nowhere... my heart will fill with joy over the gifts I received in this life.
BUT... And there's always a big butt to muddy the picture... the time comes when comparing my life to the misfortunes and shortcomings of other people's lives isn't enough reason to crack a smile.
Think about it. It's the "be thankful for your life because there is a child starving in Africa" strategy. You've heard it before. (And it never made you feel any better.... DID IT?) Hey, the strategy works on children who won't eat their vegetables, but at some point it doesn't work for an adult who had goals and missed the mark. And while I am thankful for what I have, I reserve the right to be as frustrated as I want about the goals I failed to reach and the opportunities I failed to recognize.
I have gifts and talents that I expected to be in full force by this age. But right now, I'm still punching a clock on somebody else's time to benefit somebody else's profit margin.
I've spent the last 10 years with a small company. I'm not a manager or somebody with some "pull" in the food chain. I'm not an executive or somebody with "veto" power. I'm a worker-bee with a regular check that depends on somebody else blessing my presence.
I gave myself until the age of 40 to get in good physical shape. But at 37, I seem further from the mark than I was just 2 years ago. Bad habits. Poor sleep patterns. Those darned pasta dishes. And I haven't been on a cleanse since who knows when. I have an abandoned Cleanse Blog to prove it. That blog used to get truck loads of traffic from everywhere - including countries I never even heard of.
I have a son who will graduate high school in 2 years. I never gave him the house-with-a-yard that I always wanted my children to experience. I went from mom's house... to an apartment... to a townhouse. And the townhouse wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the piss-poor neighborhood.
I'm not sure how to end this post. In the perfect world of 30-minute sitcoms and Tyler Perry movies, I would suddenly see a bright light and live happily ever after. I would stretch my arms, hug myself, and talk about how silly I was to complain. I'd buckle-down, buy a T.D. Jakes series, and write a 5-year life plan. I'd walk off into the sunset as birds flew by and squirrels played around my feet.
Yeah. Well. I'll do those things later. I know how to take action. Seriously, I will. But for right now, I reserve the right to experience the raw moments of my frustration.
Happier posts with smiley faces and colorful pictures will return after these messages......