In a candid chat last night, my 7-year old shared his dislike of spending regular visits at his dad's house. I was interested in how this topic fell out of the blue, meaning the issue was weighing on his little heart.
Somewhere near the end of the conversation, he made a simple request. "Mom. Don't yell at me anymore. Daddy and Jeffrey [stepbrother] yell at me all the time. I want somebody to not yell at me."
The good parent in me agreed to this experiment. I'd like to believe the agreement was 100% desire to raise a well-balanced, confident, and productive adult. Yet the tiny devious compartment of my brain secretly wanted the "Favorite Parent" award.
My past philosophy regarding voice volume essentially went like this: I ask you nicely the first time. If a second request is required, I'll give enough grace to believe you didn't hear me correctly. The third time around... you're playing me... and now I'm fiddling with the volume and bass knobs. "I. Said. NOW."
This morning, the trial was a success. I told him once to go brush his teeth. I told him again to go brush his teeth. On the third request, I talked softer, stroked his little chin and said, "Honey, I'd hate for you to get in trouble. You're not listening. Please go brush your teeth."
After a veeeeery pregnant and skeptical pause, he declared,
"You just yelled at me."
[even softer] "No I didn't."
His little face fell as he realized that I was right. I hadn't yelled. I was almost whispering. He appeared to be going into shock. "Are you breathing????"
The sheer miracle of my sweet third request compelled him to respond. He walked slowly, almost like his feet barely touched the ground. That's the first time in all of his life that my 3rd request wasn't a military command barked through an invisible megaphone.
I wonder if "Favorite Parent" comes with a trophy or an Island Getaway?
I agree that yelling does not always yield the desired result of getting your point across. My ways of handling this is to stop talking and start acting. When I stop talking, it's known that I'm truly pissed and that things are going to happen. I employ the 3 strikes rule and once they're exhausted, I start taking things away, phone, computer, tv; things that I know have a major impact. It's been a successful course of action thus far...imagine a teen girl with NO cell phone!!! ( I see you laughing!!!)
Posted by: BluJewel | October 17, 2006 at 08:34 AM
I guess that's the wya to do it. Personally, yelling at me makes me want to see what the worst you can do is, instead of spurring me into action, it gives me a reason for defiance.
Wasn't it Theodore Roosevelt that said "Speak softly, and carry a big stick".
Imagine someone who speaks softly while weilding a big stick, you know that when they stop talking, the stick will start talking on a whole other level...lol
Posted by: Luminus | October 19, 2006 at 06:18 AM
Very nice!
I've stolen a page from my pop. He could bring down the walls at Jericho with his voice. Yet, his 2nd request was very metered, conversational volumn, emotionally indifferent coupled with a deadpan stare and always the same phrase- "What did I ask you to do?". all I added a raised eyebrow
to formula and it works like a charm, though I can only hold that for like 30 seconds - whil emy pop, I think could do it indefinitely.
Posted by: The Mad BrothaJay | November 06, 2006 at 11:27 AM